Little Whovian
by cheri1
Summary: Doctor Who/Little Britain crossover. Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, what a fabulous alien and Britain, Britain, Britain, what a fabulous country. Let's see what happens when the world of Great Britain and the world of Doctor Who colllide.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I finally got to see the first two series of Little Britain and I love the show. It's hilarious and I suddenly got the idea to do a parody fic with DW. So apologies if you're unfamiliar with the show. These will probably be very short chapters since the skits weren't very long to begin with. But I hope you like the crossover fic. Enjoy!

Chapter One

(Tom Baker voiceover...) Britain, Britain, Britain, home of the stiff upper lip, Downton Abbey and Jedward. Where aliens visit us on a daily basis with hilarious consequences and I should know, I used to be one. So let's take an affectionate look at the lives and loves of the people of Britain.

(Tom Baker voiceover…) It's another bright sunny day on the Valiant, the Doctor and his master, the Master, are spending another day in each other's company. The Master has aged the Doctor until he's one hundred years old which reminds me of the time I became an old man and had a really good shit for the first time in years…

The Doctor sat calmly in his wheelchair inside the conference room of the Valiant, staring out the window when the Master entered the room and strolled over to him…

"Good morning, Doctor, it's a beautiful morning, isn't it?" the Master said, leaning over the chair to look at him.

"Yeah," the Doctor said impassively as he stared out the window.

"It's time to take you to the bathroom so you don't soil yourself and make a mess. That would be a right kerfuffle, wouldn't it?" the Master said to him.

"Yeah, I know," the Doctor said, still staring out the window.

"Well, you just sit right there and watch the clouds while I go tell a guard I'm going to take you to the loo. Alright?"

"Yeah."

The Master walked away from the wheelchair and walked over to a door. He opened it and stuck his head out. The Doctor glanced at him and the moment he was engaged in conversation with the guard outside the room, the Doctor leapt up from the chair and jogged around the room twice before stopping by his wheelchair, jumping up and down beside it and flipping the vees at the Master's back. Then he quickly sits back down and becomes passive again seconds before the Master sticks his head back in the room.

"Right," the Master said, grabbing the handlebars on the back of the wheelchair, "let's take you to the loo then."

The Doctor sat impassively while the Master turned the wheelchair around and wheeled him towards the lift at the back of the room.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

(Tom Baker voiceover…) It's noon o'clock in the city of Cardiff and confirmed homosexual, Jack Harkness, is holding a meeting with his team deep in the bowels of Torchwood…

Owen, Tosh, Ianto and Gwen sit at a wooden table in the conference room of the Hub. All of them are growing impatient because Jack Harkness is late for the meeting.

"Where is he?" Owen said. "Doesn't he realize we also have things to do?"

"He'll be here," Gwen said. "Just be patient."

"I have an alien autopsy and I would like to finish it before midnight," Owen said with an angry sigh.

Everyone looked at the door when it opened. Jack strolled into the room wearing a black rubber outfit.

"Sorry everyone," he said as he sat down in his seat. "I had a bit of trouble on the bus just now."

"What sort of trouble?" Tosh said. "Aliens?"

"No," Jack said. "people were commenting on my outfit and how ridiculous it looks. The utter cheek of some people!"

"Well, to be honest, it does look daft," Owen said to him.

Jack's mouth dropped open.

"How dare you speak to me like that, Owen! I am proud of who I am, especially since I'm the only gay in the village!"

"And by village, you mean Cardiff?" Gwen said.

"Exactly! I am the only gay in the village and I will not be bullied by bigots who have a problem with me being gay."

"I don't have a problem with you being gay, I have a problem with your fashion choices," Owen said, pointing to his outfit. "And as for being the only gay in the so-called village, I believe Cardiff has more than one gay person in it."

"Rubbish. I am the only gay in the village!" Jack said dismissively.

"Whatever, mate, just get on with the meeting," Owen said, rolling his eyes.

"Very well," Jack said, folding his arms on the table and looking at his team. "First item on the agenda, I believe there is a need for a gay pride day in Cardiff so I can show all the non-gays how fabulous being gay can be."

He paused for comments while his team looked at one another.

"Jack, I think Cardiff already has a gay pride day," Tosh said.

Jack gave her a shocked look.

"How could they? I've only just thought of the idea," he said.

"Mate, you're not the only homosexual in Cardiff, alright?" Owen said, trying to be patient with him.

"I am the only gay in the village!" Jack said, slamming his fist down on the table. "Anyone who says otherwise is being a great big liar!"

"Fine, I'm a great big liar then," Owen said, throwing his hands up in the air. "Just move on to the next item of business."

"There is no other item; I just think Cardiff needs a gay pride day."

Jack's team stared at him long and hard.

"You called us in here for that?" Owen said.

"Yes. I think the need for a gay pride day is important, especially since I am the gay representative for Cardiff and I need to educate everyone on how glorious it is to be gay."

"Right. I'm going to go back to slicing open the alien now," Owen said, getting up from his chair. "Anyone else wanna join me?"

Tosh, Ianto and Gwen leapt up from their seats and followed Owen out of the room while Jack glared at them.

"See! This is why we need to have a gay pride day here," he yelled out as they walked out of the room. "This is the sort of prejudice I get day in and day out around here! I am proud to be the only gay in the village and you lot don't understand that!"

He sighed when Owen slammed the door shut, leaving Jack alone in the room with his thoughts of a gay pride day for Cardiff.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

(Tom Baker voiceover…) Meanwhile, in the tiny town of Darkly Noon near London, the Slitheens have gathered together for their weekly meeting…

Several disguised Slitheens are sitting together inside a small, mostly bare room. There are several windows so the room is also bright and sunny. The Slitheens are wearing skinsuits of obese people that they took from the bodies of people they killed. They are sitting on wooden chair and in front of them is a wooden table with a wooden easel beside it. On the easel is a large whiteboard with the words WELCOME TO FAT FIGHTERS ON IT. While the Slitheen chat, one hefty Slitheen enters the room. She is heavily made up with short blonde hair. She is dressed professionally in a blue pant suit and she's carrying a small black briefcase in one hand. The other Slitheen shut up when she strolls up to the front of the group.

"Good morning, everyone. I'm Marjorie…or at least that's who this person was before I killed her," she said, gesturing to her skinsuit. "It's good to see all of you, so let's get this meeting started."

"Excuse me?"

Marjorie paused and looked at a portly man sitting in the front of the group who had his hand up. Before he was killed, he was David Jenkins, a portly construction worker with a huge beer belly. Marjorie gave him a disdainful look.

"Yes?" she said tersely.

"Why are we here?" David said. "Are we planning the takeover of Earth?"

"No. I have decided to form a group called Fat Fighters," Marjorie said, pointing to the whiteboard.

"For what purpose?" A portly black woman said.

"The purpose…I'm sorry, what's your name?"

"Cathy," she said.

"Cathy. The purpose of this meeting, Cathy, is to find ways to lose weight because as you can see, all of you are obese fat fatties."

David raised his hand.

"Yeah?" Marjorie said in annoyance.

"We're supposed to be fat, that's the only way we can fit in these skinsuits," he said to her.

"Yes. But there's a difference between fitting into a skinsuit and ballooning out like a globe. And that's what you're doing, David, you're ballooning out like a globe and you and everyone else here needs to lose weight because you all look disgusting!"

The Slitheen glared at her but she was unaware that they were angry at her.

"So…" Marjorie said. "We need to lose weight and that's why I started Fat Fighters. So what do we need to do to stop looking like hippos? Anyone?"

She looked at her fellow Slitheen but no one said anything.

"Well, I think the first thing you lot should do is eat more dust. A dust diet would be a very good thing for all of you," Marjorie said gleefully.

"What about you then?" Cathy said.

"What about me, what?" Marjorie said.

"You need to lose weight as well," David said.

"Me? No! I'm at the correct weight for my body type," Marjorie said.

The other Slitheen glanced at each other and snorted. Marjorie went on with her spiel, completely ignoring them while they sat and silently glowered at her. Then they heard a cough and everyone turned their attention to the doorway. Standing there was a large man in drag. The portly man was dressed in a purple Victorian frock and was holding a matching parasol over his head.

"Hello all," the man said in a shrill falsetto voice. "Am I late for the meeting? I was out doing lady things, I am a lady."

"No, you're not, you're a bloke in drag," David said.

"No, I am a lady, my name is Emily. I am a lady Slitheen but I could only find this fat man to wear but I am a lady, honestly."

Everyone stared at Emily as she minced her way over to an empty seat and sat down in a very prim fashion.

"Continue," she said to Marjorie in the falsetto voice.

"Um…" Marjorie said as she tried to collect her thoughts after all that, "as I was saying, we need to start a weight loss program…"


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

(Tom Baker Voiceover...) It is half past the time when you normally take a bath in the little town of Avon On Calling and Larry Nightingale has just opened his shop for the day when he suddenly has a customer...

Larry is sorting DVDs when he hears the bell over the door. He turns and sees a young man with mousy unkempt brown hair standing in front of the counter. The man is dressed in a tan trenchcoat and is wearing glasses with thick brown frames. Larry smiles at him.

"Can I help ya, mate?" he said.

"I want a DVD," the man said in a monotone voice.

"Well, you've come to the right place. What do you want?" Larry said.

"I want a DVD that has the Doctor easter egg on it but I want the picture quality to be a bit blurry and the sound to be a bit off," the man said. "Do you have that?"

"Um...not sure, wait a tic," Larry said.

He edged backwards to a doorway and stopped when he reached it.

"SALLY!" he yelled over his shoulder.

There was a long awkward silence. Larry smiled sheepishly at the man while he waited.

"YEAH?" they finally heard Sally yell from the back.

"HAVE WE GOT A DOCTOR EASTER EGG DVD THAT HAS SLIGHTLY BLURRY PICTURE QUALITY AND THE SOUND'S A BIT OFF?" Larry yelled over his shoulder.

"I DON'T THINK SO!" she yelled back.

"She doesn't think so," Larry told the man.

"I THINK WE HAVE ONE WITH GOOD PICTURE QUALITY AND THE SOUND'S A BIT OFF!" Sally yelled from the back.

"She thinks we have one with good picture quality and the sound's a bit off," Larry repeated to the man. "Would you like that."

"No," the man said, shaking his head. "Do you have one where the Doctor is naked while he's talking?"

"SALLY?" Larry yelled out.

"YEAH?" Sally yelled back.

"DO WE HAVE ONE WHERE THE DOCTOR IS NAKED WHILE HE'S TALKING?" Larry yelled.

"I DON'T THINK SO!" Sally yelled back.

"She doesn't think so," Larry repeated to the man.

"Well, I'll just wait until a DVD with a naked Doctor is avaliable then," the man said.

Larry nodded and smiled, thinking that was the end of it. He frowned when the man didn't move, just stood there and stared at him while he literally waited for the DVD to become avaliable.


End file.
